“Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson. You find the present tense and the past perfect.”

- Unknown

Saari Umar Humein Sang Rehna Hai.

"Phoolon ka taaron ka, sabka kehna hai
Ek hazaaron mein meri behena hai
Saari umar humein sang rehna hai."

This song has always made me cry. Even before I had a reason. I've never known why. Maybe it's one of those premonitions.

So, it's Rakhi. I see people posting on Facebook/Twitter about their brothers and sisters and how they're bonding today. I want that, too.

This time last year, I was at home. Tanvi and I were tying our rakhis to Gautam and feeding him his favourite laddoos. He divided all his savings - it was a pretty big amount, I can tell you that -amongst the two of us. I remember asking him, "You do know that you'll have to match this in the coming years as well?"

I don't remember what he said in reply.

It really makes me wonder. Why would he do something like that? Did he know all along?




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Happy Birthday, bhai.

Eighteen. Such an iconic age. I remember feeling no different on my eighteenth birthday. But, there was a sense of excitement because I felt like my life was finally going to start. So many new experiences happened that year. Graduated from school. Started college. Started living alone in Delhi. Learnt that you were unwell.

It sucks that you're not here today, hugging me awkwardly and patting my back when I wish you. I don't even remember the last time I hugged you.

You'd want everyone to come over for lunch and for us to sit and talk like a normal, happy family - with or without you. Not this year. This year, I'm planning on staying under the covers, oblivious to the outside world. Maybe 2013 will be better.

Happy birthday to the best guy I knew.


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All I Have To Do Is Dream.

I dreamt of you. You looked like you did when you were in the 5th grade. We had a conversation and I remember laughing at something funny you said.

Then, you had to go.

I waved, but you just kept looking at me. I waved again, thinking you couldn't see my hand in the crowd. You didn't wave back.

What I'd give for you to somehow come back.

Wish You Were Here.

We went for a holiday without you for the first time, last week. It felt so alien to not have you being frustratingly protective about Mamma, Tanvi and I in public places. We had a lot of fun, but kept thinking of how much you would have enjoyed it had you been there.

Tanvi and I missed you especially when we went to a water park. I had no one who wanted to go on the almost-vertical body slide with me. And no one helped me dunk Tanvi under water when she was chillin’ on a tube. Oh, and I missed you so much when we drove quad-bikes in the desert! There’s only so much fun you can have zipping past everyone else when you don’t have anyone racing you and goading you to attempt jumping off a dune.

Your birthday’s coming. I remember how you just wanted everybody in the family together for the day – and it actually happened! Only because you willed it to happen. That was one of the nicest days of my life.

This is from that day when Tanvi insisted we go to the Juhu beach. I look like shit, but it’s too natural a picture for me not to love it.

Back to Delhi tomorrow. Mixed emotions. I want to stay back and chill at home. But, I'm also looking forward to interning for the next six weeks.

I miss having the five of us together. I still haven't gotten used to saying "the four of us". I don't think I ever will. It's unnatural.

Yesterday was the first time after December that I told somebody about what happened. It's amazing how quickly my mood can swing from happy to sad.

I've gone back to my old habit of keeping everything inside. To be honest, I feel like a burden on people when I talk about it. Who wants to be with somebody who puts a dampener on things all the time? I'd rather deal with it myself.

Besides, it's not like talking about it makes it go away.

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Paradise City.

My last exam is day after tomorrow. I can't wait to just get it over with and go back hoooome. It feels like I haven't been to Chandigarh for ages, even though it's only been like a month.

I'll only get to spent five days with ze family, though. Will be in Gurgaon doing an internship for most of the summer. And then I'll be off to summer school in London. College will have already started by the time I come back. Won't go home again till August, basically.

Packed summer. I hope it's interspersed with lazy weekends.

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